Chapter 15 "1238 Humboldt St"

1238 Humboldt St. was a modest looking Bungalow. It was in the old style, no pop top, or add on. It was as it was when it was built in 1932, well, from the exterior it was. It was just a little house, with a nice and wide front porch with an upside down 'v' pointed roof that featured a window at each end. It was situated, as all houses were on this street, on a little grass embankment above street and sidewalk level. In my estimation of property values at the time, in Denver, the house was probably worth about $350,000.

Not a house to be trifled with, in terms of how well off the owner, or owners, might have been. But, then again, the house was dead and dark.

Jaime reached the front door before I did and gasped just slightly. I hurried as silently as I could have, past the unkempt yard of weeds and grasses of multiple variations to the raised front porch of Freddy Kreuger's house. I said, hushed,"What?"

"THIS DOOR IS OPEN, DUMBASS!" she hissed. She indicated the main door, which was covered by a large metal screen door and she was pointing feverishly at the larger wooden main door that was open, cracked by about four inches.

"Well, duh!" I retorted in the same high velocity whisper. "The damn 'Killer' dog had to get his ass outta here somehow."

"Yeah, but who leaves their dog alone like this?"

"I dunno; I have cats."

"YOU HAVE CATS?!"

"Um...Yeah." She looked at me incredulously.

"Like you have...MULTIPLE...cats?!" She was saying this to me in that same high velocity, high volume whisper. I shrugged. Somehow, we had forgotten to break into this house for a moment. She crinkled her forehead, and regarded me for a second.

"Are you gay?"

"NO!" I almost broke our whisper as my voiced cracked slightly. She made this disgusted noise and grabbed the collar of my shirt and said, "You better not be, cause I'm totally turned on right now, so don't fuck up...cat boy."

"Pfff," I almost spat in her face. "Okay Nancy Drew, this appears to be another conversation to be had when we are NOT BUSTING INTO A HOUSE!!!" She composed herself and shot me a snotty look and grasped the handle on the screen door. She nudged open the heavy wooden door with her foot. It creaked open and we were hit with the musty hot air from inside.

I followed her sexy little butt inside with my right hand on her semi-naked waist. I mean, I felt a little soft flesh between where her jeans ended and her top began. Those two garments were trying to fight a quiet and gentle war between each other. Who could delicately hold in the most plumped subcutaneous flesh without giving an inch, or divulging the softest and sexiest under parts of her human shame? My middle two fingers were the unexpected benefactors of the DMZ that lied between. I sighed happily as I wondered how far this major felony (breaking and entering) could go without my extensive planning and oversight. (Wyatt and I had last cleaned out a house in Highlands Ranch with a U-Haul truck as our last little foray into major crime. We waited for family vacation, made elaborate costumes like the late teenager kids of the family that lived there and robbed the fuck out of that place for two hours in broad daylight. It was executed perfectly. This was...um...well...hasty.) Since I was mostly sure Jaime had never committed a felony in her entire life, I figured I was good for the times if anything got out of hand. I would protect her, to spite anything, at all costs.

We stepped into a really dark house. The only light, which was half obscured by our own long-cast-streetlight shadows, coming from the door, was pitiful, yet too much at the same time. There was too much contrast! All I saw was pitch black shadows and bright yellow reflections off of the white painted walls. All the blinds were closed. There was a zoo-like stench to the air inside the house; it was like reptiles and poop, and there was a big open room to our right and left and a small hallway straight ahead. My teeth clenched as I tried to expand all of my senses that were being overloaded by smell and touch to be sensitive to sight and sound. I concentrated, but there was nothing there to stimulate those senses.

Jaime froze two steps in front of me and my pelvis nudged into the small of her back. I somewhat jumped back off of her, but she stayed deadly still. Cold prickles stood up on the back of my neck and still, being the pervert that I am, I tightened my grip around her waist and crammed my cock into the nape of her back, and bent close to her ear. My left hand was on her shoulder. She was breathing delicately, but tightly. I whispered, "What?" She moved her ass backwards and up...onto me!

"Do you smell that?" she breathed. I made a smell sound, but already knew that whoever lives here likes animals, especially reptiles or like ferrets or something, because that smell is hard to misappropriate, but I whispered, "Yep. We might find something horrible in here." She shuddered against me.

We squeezed through the door and into a small hallway and arrived in the kitchen. If someone were privy to us, I believe we pretty much looked like a really friendly version of Shaggy and Daphne creeping about single file in a Scooby Doo mystery. Tiptoeing through the crushing blackness, with our pelvises touching...jeez. We kinda realized that it was a little weird dry humping our way through this potential house of horrors and we gravitated towards the light splashing through some hastily closed blinds.

There was a window and a round table pushed up against the window. Three chairs. My eyes were now seeing the shapes of a long galley kitchen that spanned the width of the house. Everything looked in order. Jaime looked up at me with sharp yellow blades of light across her face. She said, "This is silly."

Jaime bounded through the hallway, nearly fell, or it least it sounded like it, and threw on the hall light and fucking screamed, "HELLLLLOOOOOO! WE FOUND YOUR DOG SIR OR MADAM!" Adrenaline. I took a deep breath. "YOUR DOG ATE SOMEONE'S HEAD! WE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW...cuz...Y'KNOW IT'S THE PROPER THING TO DO!!!" I'm staring at the ceiling straining to hear any sort of weapon cocking, or heavy footsteps, or screaming.

"HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO!!!?" I'm looking at the floor now and grinding my teeth together. Worse thoughts, the owners are locked in some fucking panic room in the basement and calling the police right now. They are about to activate the home defense unit and blow us full of fifty caliber holes, all ED-209* style. I laughed out loud at that thought and made my way through the hallway to Jaime.

"IT FUCKING STINKS IN HERE YOU DOUCHE BAGS! FEBREEZE! EVER HEARD OF IT?!" I broke out laughing like I haven't in a long time. She was laughing too, but I think she was more or less laughing at me because I was really fucking into it. Her laugh was awesome, maybe with a hint of derision, but none the less musical. "YOU'RE DOG'S DEAD, YOU KNOW!!.."

"OK, ok, ok, ok. I think you made your point there, perky.” She was beaming at me. I heaved a heavy sigh, and affixed her with a furrowed look.

"After you, sir." She motioned towards the stairs. They went down on the northern most wall of the house. We moved through a small undisturbed living room with a large orange poofy couch and wooden end tables. TV, Stereo Hi-FI, fireplace...The smell was definitely coming from downstairs. Jaime smacked another light switch and the small room at the bottom of the stairs was illuminated. It was essentially a landing with a door. Where does it go? Jaime knows. She flies down the stairs and flings open the already cracked door. A shiny trash bag looking material billowed out and covered her followed by a cascade of white, white light.

She raises an eyebrow and purses her lips, and peeks beyond the billowing material, into the light. This is another fucking Kodak moment. She blinks.

"Holy Fuck!" And she passes into the white light room billowing shiny trash baggy stuff in her wake. I quickly tiptoe down the stairs, and sidestep the trash bag stuff, and seriously thought I had walked into the Land of the Lost. We found the portal through time and space into the CENTER OF THE EARTH! There was greenery everywhere, and giant bright industrial lights. There was the sound of flowing water and electric mechanical whirring, the air was circulating about, the air! THAT SMELL! WEED!

Jaime said, "All th-those plants are pot, I mean.." The whole room was filled marijuana plants of all sizes. The lights were on tracks and were slowly moving back and forth across this rather large basement room. There were sheets of reflective Mylar or something on the wall in some places reflecting copious amounts of light. To spite this, both of our sets of eyes were as wide as dinner plates. She was a couple of steps ahead of me, and looked down on the ground and recoiled, "GAH!" She bumped back into me. There on the ground was a five foot iguana. The lizard was fat and as green as the pot around it, with black horizontal stripes going down its back. It appeared to be a very healthy specimen of herpetoculturery. It was ignoring us gnawing on a piece of pink...iguana chow or something.

"They don't eat weed, huh?" I speculated.

"What?"

"Iguanas are vegetarians."

"It certainly looks like they eat meat to me!" Jaime said, more with her hands than with her mouth.

I dismissed it. "Naw. That's just...kinda gross is what it is." The iguana bit was covered in dirt and iguana spit. The green dragon before us finally grabbed a hold of the iguana bit and tilted its head back and swallowed it whole.

"Ooops. There it goes." She is just too cute.

I began to trace back the events of the day, and started to get a little light headed. I'm no stranger to the odd adrenaline rush, hell, even a prolonged adrenaline rush, but all of a sudden, all I wanted to do was jump into bed and sleep for days. I shook this thought off and was assailed by other terrible thoughts. "Jaime."

"Yeah."

"Do remember everything you've touched with your hands or fingers in this house?"

"I think so, why?"

"Well, maybe nothing, but this is big, and playtime...it’s over, now."

"I think you may be right."

I pulled a handkerchief out of my pocket and told her to go wipe down everything she touched. I was quite the second-story man and was quite sure that I had touched absolutely nothing...except for Jaime.

She started out the door and froze. "What about this fuckin thing?" She was indicating the Mylar over the door. I thought for second.

"Pull it down. We're taking it with us." I said in a more subdued and hushed tone.

"Okey doke, " she sighed and ripped it from the metal strip above the door.

"Just leave it there. I have a plan for it." She looked at me pleadingly, but continued upstairs.

I wasn't long before I had used a large pair of cutters I had found on a table, and, using my shirt on the cutter handles, manipulated them as to produce a three foot long, Popsicle shaped missile of the STICKIEST OF THE ICKIEST. I hastily wrapped it in the Mylar and headed upstairs. Then, for the second time today I heard someone scream in absolute terror. It was Jaime.






*ED-209 was the robot that went apeshit in the movie 'Robocop'...Youtube it.