God damn it! I just watched Waterworld. As a youth I never saw the film for the epic failure that it was. I just saw it as a mildly entertaining post apocalyptic flick that featured Jeanne Tripplehorn's fine naked ass for about two and a half consecutive seconds. Seriously...That was about it for me. The movie was released in 1995 and cost, a gigantic sum for its day and age. I was 18 at the time of its release and possibly saw it in the theatres at the time on some stupid date or friend hang out session. I vaguely remember it being awfully panned by critics and lauded as the costliest, worst film ever made.
Let's be clear. If you can get past a few things about Waterworld...I intend to make an argument that it is not (that’s right) NOT the worst film ever made. I know...there is ALOT of things against Waterworld’s credit...I intend to name them thusly:
1. Kevin Costner
2. Kevin Costner
3. Kevin... --I mean, this was Kevin's vision, right? Yep, he portrays a mutant fish man that by the script writing (certainly not by acting) is supposed to be a simple, brutish somewhat wild yet evolved man of the sea. He possesses amazing technology and is quick and decisive, getting the jump on all of his enemies. He is seasoned and rigid and strong and smart and pure of heart and just a tad romantic, loyal and pure.
Ugh.
4. This might be nit picking, but the ship that the bad guys inhabit in this post-apocalyptic-polar-ice caps-melting-flooding-the-entire-world-future-mad-max–on-water-film is (sigh) the oar propelled Exxon Valdeez! Fitting you say in this world news cycle? I agree wholeheartedly and also sigh very, very sadly. Jesus, what a shot at the oil industry! Get 'em Hollywood.
5. Yes, the Exxon Valdeez survived long enough for giant whale sized fish-eel creatures to evolve...they evolved just quick enough for Kevin Costner to kill them with a spear gun, whilst using himself for bait. What a man...erm...evolved fish-man...whatever.
6. Damn it Kevin Costner, you suck so bad that we miss kind of a nuanced performance by both fine ass Jeanne Tripplehorn, a pretty sweet child actress who is no doubt scarred from her appearance in your father-gone-missing fantasy that the child actress-Tina Majorino-wasn’t heard from again until Napoleon Dynamite where she played a somewhat despondent and awkward high school chick. I have a theory that Tina completed years of therapy before she was ready for the silver screen again. We also see an appearance from Emmy and Tony winning actor, Michael Jeter and a bit part role excellently played by an up and coming Jack Black. He was the pilot who got away. Dennis Hopper, of course, played a bad ass bad guy. How could you kill this movie Kevin Costner?! HOWWWWW?!
That aside, I must admit that Waterworld was one of the more entertaining things that I have seen on DVD in the past year. Why? Well this wouldn't be super fun if I didn't tell you would it?
I feel we need to talk about Precious and The Blind Side. Both nominated for academy awards this past year, both horrific in their own way, and both viewed by me on DVD recently. Both films scarred me in a way that Waterworld could never do.
Am I the only person on the planet that feels like both films portray African Americans in a somewhat dark and perilous light?
Am I the only person that sees when those films are juxtaposed side by side that the hard luck story lottery was won by one giant black protagonist and horrifically lost by another giant black protagonist?
Precious: There is not one redeeming black character that I can think of except for Precious, who is pretty much the proverbial lamb of great god's canopy.
The Blind Side: Ditto. As a matter of fact, from my recollection, the blackest character, with the most lines in The Blind Side tried to derail Big Mike's chances at applying to Ole Miss or whatever the fuck.
Does anyone else feel like fuckin Monique really, really deserved that fuckin Oscar?! Holy shit, Monique! That monologue in front of Mariah Carey!? What the fuck!? That hurt to watch! How could you hate and despise and feel sick and pity and touch of your own desperation in one character moment on the silver screen!? Amazing.
Did anyone get a little weirded out by the Hollywood treatment of these two talented fringe African American actors, especially Gabourey Sidibe the actress that played Precious? I just remember watching the Oscars and watching all these strained expressions as commentators gushed over and over again about how beautiful she looked…Do you think either of those actors, Big Mike or Precious will be in another A-list Hollywood movie? Shit. I'm not sure. I hope so.
Is anyone else disappointed by the lynchpin of the plot of The Blind Side? He tested in the 98th percentile for "Protective Instincts"? ....WHAT?! Who knows that?! What fuckin test is that!? Ugh. Fuck me...with hair plugs Tim McGraw and the annoying know it all child actor....just....gah! I wanted to punch myself in the face just to make that little fucker go away.
Speaking of getting punched over and over again...Precious--you were like French film noir without the happy ending. For those of you have lost interest at this point, I will not explain the irony of that last statement cuz you're not reading, those of you that are still with me are in hysterics, I'm sure.
So, Waterworld…You fucking win. I came away at the very least entertained and not wanting to kill myself, punch the child actor through the television set, punch myself, punch the person who rented The Blind Side, punch Hollywood, (what a concept) for kind of shining these movies on and running them through the meat grinder just for show in this year of our first black president. Fuck you Hollywood. I got Waterworld for 3 bucks in a Wal-Mart bin.
Waterworld---I knew what you were when I watched you, and I enjoyed every moment for what you were. Just entertainment. Spectacle. You didn't make me self conscious and rather than softly enveloping me in ridiculous concepts and acting, you bashed me over the head with both. Thank you for that. Sigh.
Hurt Locker was good, though.
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